me.

in the last couple of weeks. i had some revelations. i re-discovered my two of my greatest loves.

i've been reading ridiculous amounts lately. some days, i read two whole books. its just.... like, a drought has ended and i'm just trying to stuff myself with as much as i can. which is quite true given that i probably havent really had the opportunity to indulge in reading much for the last year and a half.

its just really awesome to roll around in bed and read a book, even better still when its rainy or about to rain. such a simple act. yet it brings so much pleasure.

and. today. i felt like a kid in the candy store once again. i havent felt this way in quite a while. it poked its head up momentarily in san francisco (i remember the fresh eyeliner palette. lol. didnt need it. but because i couldnt get fresh that easily in singapore - it was totally justified. and i remember how the body lotion got tossed into the package.... and that really nice dude at the guerlain counter at saks.... he tried to sell me things which i already had... and the one thing i didnt have and wanted to buy, he was sold out of. how. ironic), and again in tokyo (i think i went mad at chantecaille. i still cant comprehend how i have a 120 dollar bill for a lip gloss and a lip stick but thankfully i was rational enough not to have succumbed to the palettes. i still feel ridiculously stupid buying all those papillon items.... and never having the heart to use them because it'd ruin it) but i've been pretty good at keeping this in check. havent made a major haul since i started work (this lack of time thing actually does have some benefits).

but. today. my heart literally skipped when i saw THE PUFF. i remember how blah i was last year when i wanted to buy a similar product - but because i hadnt been keeping up with the news, by the time i discovered it, it was sold out. and i couldnt even find it in the UK, US and Australia. it was just. horrible. and i refused to pay double the price on ebay for it.

so. when i saw that guerlain relaunched it - with some tweaks but nonetheless the essence of it was still there. puff that spritz's shimmer. and they still had stock for me to buy. it was literally just :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

once a makeup junkie. always a makeup junkie. although i think its possible to be a little more rational as you grow up :D

do things always happen for a reason?

i'm perturbed. confused.

its like..... i have so many chapters open at the same time, some more 'closed' then others.... but i never get round to closing chapters off properly, before i start new ones..

i wonder if things happen for a reason, or if sometimes, things in life just happen, just like that and we should try to rationalise it, and all the whys, and ifs, and so on.

i wonder why people step out of your life, some more abruptly then others.......... and at the weirdest and strangest times ever possible, suddenly reappear out of the blue and stir up many things in your head - things you've nearly suceeded in putting aside in some deep dark hole....

i wonder...

If you could relive any moment in the past, what would it be and why?

i always have toyed with the notion of the 'what ifs' and the 'if i could turn back times'. in the past, i always concluded (at times reluctantly) that it would be best, to just never change the past, because the past ultimately (cliche as it might sound) shapes who you are. some past events have a greater impact then others, but it all comes together and changes you / how you perceive things in some manner or other as you grow up.

but...... as with most people, there are certain events / points in my life, where i wondered what would have happened if i made a different choice. would things still have ended up the same way? there are several of such examples but i think the one which weighs most heavily in my head right now would be......... if i didnt allow a physical relationship to occur that early on and had waited till we got to know each other a little more / got more 'settled'....... would things have been different?

it seems to be the unspoken rule that one should never engage in physical relations with someone which you are genuinely interested in, early on, because you the conquest isnt there anymore and because it was so easily attainable.... it wont be valued.

although i'm not sure really if this theory holds much water. i see the logic behind it.......but yet, sometimes, i think if you have a physical relationship as well as connect emotionally and mentally - you share a certain closeness which is hard to achieve without the physical relationship existing?

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

decisions arent easy to make....

i've spent the bulk of today - the part where i wasnt in some drug induced haze (no i'm not on drugs, i'm just sick and all medications make you zonked out) - thinking about what i want out of life.

its probably the zillionth time i'm back at this question. every couple of months i go into this phase where i think about all the other possible options i have - but of course, everything comes with an opportunity cost. and every single time, the thought of the opportunity cost involved.... was just a little too deterring and so it always concludes with a shrug and we just continue down the path. i mean......... a 50% pay cut that you seek voluntarily.... that's just kinda. stupid isnt it.

but really. should money be the primary reason why a person does something? the simple answer of course is, no it shouldnt. but we have to be rational about it....... because without it, there will be things we would have to go without. i'm still not sure if that's something i can live with. i suppose this is what the danger always was. getting too used to a certain way of life. and when you get comfortable, its hard to pull yourself away.

i'm afraid i'll make the wrong decision.  

somehow in the last week, i accidentally rediscovered what it was like to be me again. i miss myself. i would like to return to a state of being where i'm not perpetually exhausted and just blase about everything that happens. i feel like i've aged a million years in the last year or so. its not good. i dont want to look 50 when i'm 30. and i have this sinking feeling that if this keeps up, that's something which will happen.

in the past year, i've fallen asleep whilst eating a bun. i nearly rolled down a flight of stairs because i was in such a hurry to get to the office. i walked into / nearly walked into things multiple times. i left the office and forgot to bring my bag with me. and i think the most traumatic to date, was that night i found myself on the floor. i've also spent many days, where i was so exhausted that i felt woozy. its like you're drunk - but without having drunk a single drop of alcohol. i'm not sure how i managed to get through all those days.

when i remember all this. the answer is so clear.

but there are always all the 'buts' and the 'what ifs'

....................i need to keep thinking.

i cant believe i came back...

i didnt realise i had stopped writing for so long. in another three months or so.... it would have been two years. odd how time just passes by just like that - odd too how things can change so much - and yet at the same time, remain the same.

i'm not even sure why i've decided to sit and write this. nor do i really know what i intend to write about. its ridiculous actually to do this now, in the middle of the night at 3am. when i still have this disgusting document to look at and fix and the potential of actually toppling off my chair in exhaustion is increasing every minute. but yet. i refuse to do my work. this is normal of course. i can think of a million and one other things i'd rather do - but somehow i know i will just get it done - at the expense of my sleep of course.

so many people have commented that how its so unexpected - the way i deal with my work. its become the norm now - but i dont think i have gotten used to it nor do i want to get used to this being normal. its just weird. i dont know how things turned out this way. i'd like to be a responsible person and do my work diligently but i kinda think this may be taking things to extremes. i resent it but yet...... something just snaps inside and ultimately i just sigh and resign myself to the fact that it needs to be done and i have to do it and somehow i will get it done.... and i do.... but i'm not sure if its worth it. how on earth did my job turn into my life.

i speak of it at times to people. i think about it at times when i actually have energy to sit and think. and the conclusion never changes. this is just sick and unhealthy. i understand that the job has its demands and its downsides....... but never did i expect that it would take up so much time..... and the worst thing is, not only does it suck up my life physically so that i dont have the time or energy or mood to do many things anymore.......i think, it eats at me inside as well. its scary at times. i remember, a very long time ago, i told myself, that no matter what, i would never change - that inside, who i was would always be the same. but in the last year or so......... i know i have changed. and i dont know if i like who i've become. actually, scratch that. i know i dont like who i've become. on the bright side - i'm still largely who i was. but i think i've lost a substantial amount of the optimisim i used to have. i also see the world through different coloured lenses now. nothing is taken at face value anymore. i think i've aged ten years - in two years. physically, mentally and emotionally. this way of life, is just so draining. even more so i think, when i dont exactly love what i do. not that i dislike what i do - it is interesting at times, i enjoy it at times, but.......... i hate being technical. i really do. i am happy to run transactions and all that. but i absolutely feel sick when i feel obliged to sit down, try to spot legal issues and just fix a disgustingly messed up document. earlier this evening, i decided that i'd prefer to stay in a room with a cockroach (and we all know how i absolutely hate cockroaches and how they terrify me) then deal with this document i have to fix by morning.

is this that '3 year mark' thing that seems to be the threshold. where you have to figure out if this life is for you or not. i'm not sure. but i'd like to know. i dont think its humanely possible to continue another year (or horror- more) the way i've carried on for the last year or so. its just too draining. i might actually die of exhaustion and i'm pretty sure its possible. i havent forgotten what it felt like to just suddenly not be able to breathe and have the whole world just phase out. there's absolutely no reason for that to have happened and we cant even blame the alcohol since i didnt even drink much of the tequilla. i've tried to wipe that whole experience out of my head but if i think about it, its downright scary. one minute you're standing up and the next you're on the floor.

i'm not sure really what the typical 'burn out' entails or what happens when you burn out - but i'm positively sure i've gone pass that at stage at least once.  i think everytime you 'burn out' the recovery is alot harder. and i dont think i'd like to reach the stage where i dont have enough willpower to bring myself back. but i think....... i am slowly but surely inching towards such a stage........ i'm just so so so very exhausted and sick of all this. i just want to be able to sit in bed and read a book.... and just do whatever i please for a while. i'm tired of being grouchy and moody and crabby when i'm mentally exhausted. i'm tired of just not being able to muster enough energy to get excited over things. i just......... want to be me again. not a prematurely aged kid. i'm just so very very tired of this.

i have more to say. but i'm tired and my work is undone. and now with foolish bravery i've decided that i shall go to bed and deal with it in the morning.

now i recall why i used to write. its therapeutic.